Needing To Find Meaning in Everything

Needing To Find Meaning in Everything

Looking for meaning in everything is often a defense mechanism against the fear of uncertainty.

It’s human nature to dislike uncertainty. From which color shoes to buy, to committing to a spouse in marriage, there will almost always be some uncertainty in our decisions, and along with it, some anxiety.

But for some people — especially those raised in chaotic or extremely unpredictable environments — they’ve learned to view uncertainty as dangerous and to be avoided at all costs. And one common way to avoid the anxiety of uncertainty is to read meaning into everything.

By telling ourselves that everything means something, we give ourselves the illusion of certainty.

But if you constantly rely on meaning-making as a crutch to alleviate the anxiety of uncertainty, your tolerance for uncertainty gets weaker and weaker.

And at some point, reality will catch up to you, demanding that you face up to the fundamental uncertainty of life:

  • Maybe a close friend dies tragically at a young age for “no good reason.”
  • Maybe you get laid off from your dream job for “no good reason.”
  • Maybe your spouse leaves you for “no good reason.”

Making up stories about how it all means something eventually stops working when the uncertainty becomes big enough. And if you haven’t built the emotional strength to tolerate uncertainty, your moods and emotions will suffer profoundly. Depression and severe anxiety are often the result.

Emotionally stable people are willing to look an uncertain future in the face and accept it exactly for what it is.

Practice accepting uncertainty in small ways, and you’ll be able to handle it confidently when it arrives in big ways — as it always does eventually. Living with so much uncertainty is hard. Human beings crave information about the future in the same way we crave food, sex and other primary rewards. Our brains perceive ambiguity as a threat, and they try to protect us by diminishing our ability to focus on anything other than creating certainty.

But sometimes — maybe always — it’s more effective for us not to attempt to create certainty. Though evolution might have rigged our brains to resist uncertainty, we can never really know what the future will bring. And during unpredictable, unfolding situations like a pandemic or a war, we need to learn to live with ambiguity.

So how can we best cope when everything feels so out of control? Here are seven strategies:

  1. Don’t resist

Instead of resisting, we can practice acceptance. Research by psychologist Kristin Neff and her colleagues has shown that acceptance — particularly self-acceptance — is a counterintuitive secret to happiness. Acceptance is about meeting life where it is and moving forward from there.

Because acceptance allows us to see the reality of the situation in the present moment, it frees us up to move forward, rather than remaining paralyzed or being made ineffective by uncertainty, fear or argument.

To be clear, acceptance is not the same as resignation. Accepting a situation doesn’t mean it will never get better. We aren’t accepting that things will stay the same forever; we’re only accepting whatever is actually happening at the moment.

Practicing acceptance in the face of difficulty is hard, but it’s also the most effective way to move forward.

  1. Invest in yourself

The best resource that you have right now for making a contribution to the world is YOU. When that resource is depleted, your most valuable asset is damaged. In other words: When we underinvest in our bodies, minds or spirits, we destroy our most essential tools for leading our best lives.

We humans don’t do well when we defer maintenance on ourselves. We need to sustain the relationships that bring us connection and meaning; we must get enough sleep and rest when we are tired; and we need to spend time having fun and playing, just for the joy of it.

We’re definitely not recommending selfishness. We’re suggesting self-care and personal growth.

  1. Find healthy ways to comfort yourself

One of the most important ways we can invest in ourselves is to comfort ourselves in healthy ways. If we are to stay flexible, we need to feel safe and secure. When we feel uncertain or insecure, our brain tries to rescue us by activating our dopamine systems. This dopamine rush encourages us to seek rewards, making temptations more tempting.

Think of this as your brain pushing you toward a comfort item … like an extra glass of wine instead of a reasonable bedtime. Or the entire pan of brownies. Or an extra little something in your Amazon cart.

Make a list of healthy ways to comfort yourself. Can you go for a walk or hike with a neighbor? Schedule a call with a friend? Reflect on what you’re grateful for? Let yourself take a nap? Watch a funny YouTube video?

Those things may seem small, but they enable us to be the people that we want to be.

  1. Don’t believe everything you think

Perhaps the most essential stress-reduction tactic that anyone has ever taught is not to believe everything we think. In uncertain times, it’s particularly important not to believe thoughts that argue for the worst-case scenario.

Of course, it can be helpful to consider worst-case scenarios so we can actively prevent disaster. But when we believe those stressful thoughts, we tend to react emotionally as though the worst case is already happening in real life, not just in our heads. We grieve for things we haven’t actually lost and react to events that are not actually happening. This makes us feel threatened, afraid and unsafe when we are simply believing our thoughts.

Instead of buying into every stressful thought, we can actively imagine the best possible scenario too. Sometimes we can find silver linings to replace our ruminations. This counters our natural tendency to overestimate risks and negative consequences.

  1. Pay attention

The opposite of uncertainty is not certainty; it’s presence. Instead of imagining a scary and unknown future, we can bring our attention to our breath. From there, we can check in with ourselves. Every time we wash our hands, for example, we could ask ourselves: How are you doing right now?

Notice what emotions you are feeling, and where in your body you feel those emotions. Bring curiosity and acceptance to your experience.

Even when it feels like everything is out of our control, we can still control what we pay attention to. We can turn off our alerts to keep the news or social media from hijacking our awareness. We can drop our negative fantasies by attending to what’s actually happening in our inner world, right now, right here in the present.

Attending to what is happening within us at any given moment keeps external reality from determining our inner truth. It allows us to cultivate calm, open-mindedness and non-reactivity.

  1. Stop looking for someone to rescue you

When we act as though we are powerless, we get trapped in narratives that leave us feeling angry, helpless and trapped. And we start hoping other people will save us from our misery.

Although it can feel good when others dote on us, most rescuers don’t really help. Our friends might want to save us — because helping others makes people feel good — and their intentions might be noble. But rescuers tend to be better enablers than saviors. If we stay stuck, they get to keep their role as our hero or they get to distract themselves from their own problems.

Rescuers tend to give us permission to avoid taking responsibility for our own lives. On the other hand, emotionally supportive friends (or mental health professionals like therapists) see us as capable of solving our own problems. They ask questions that help us focus on what we do want instead of what we don’t.

In short: To best cope with uncertainty, we need to stop complaining. When we drop our fixation on the problem, we can focus on the outcomes we desire. How can we make the best of this mess? What can we gain in this situation?

When we take responsibility for our lives, we trade the false power of victimhood for the real power that comes from creating the life we want.

  1. Find meaning in the chaos

Social psychologists define meaning, as it applies to our lives, as “an intellectual and emotional assessment of the degree to which we feel our lives have purpose, value and impact.” We humans are best motivated by our significance to other people. We’ll work harder and longer and better — and feel happier about the work we are doing when we know that someone else is benefiting from our efforts.

For example, teenagers who provide tangible, emotional or informational support to people in crises tend to feel more strongly connected to their community. Research shows that we feel good when we stop thinking about ourselves so much and support others.

When we see something that needs improvement, our next step is to recognize what we personally can do to be a part of the solution. What skills and talents (or even just interests) can we bring to the issue? What really matters to us, and how can we be of service?

Meaning and purpose are wellsprings of hope. When the world feels scary or uncertain, knowing what meaning we have for others and feeling a sense of purpose can ground us better than anything else.

Don’t just wait for this ordeal to be over. Don’t be resigned to your misery while we wait for the situation to resolve itself. What have you always wanted to do? What outcome are you hoping for? How can you make a real life during this time? Live that life.

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